A Note For Me Today

 This is a note for me today.

I want to write something for myself.
I hope whatever I write today will be heard by my own heart and mind.
It might sounds slightly weird because of my chaotic mind, I still hope that whatever I feel can be conveyed through words.
So please, be patient with me, my dear self.
The words you say to yourself every day matter.

You are listening to everything you say, and over the years, it becomes an unconscious mantra, a subtle yet continuous prayers.
So, what I need you to do right now is to change everything.
Change the things you say to yourself every day.
Change the way you see yourself.

You can do better.
Being depressed is not who you are.
It is a symptom that you are currently sick.
And somehow, for some reason, you let yourself stay sick for a long time.
It’s time for you to take over your life and not let these symptoms take over you.

Let’s find one path and follow it ruthlessly.
Move.
You are not a hill that can’t be move away. Even continents can move.
So move.
Remember what your younger, freshly depressed self once said?
Just follow that voice.

Right now, you have become so accustomed to everything around you that you feel safe in this chaos.
Move.
This is actually hell and you just choose to be buried in it.
Remember what the younger you wanted?
To not stay in one place.
To fly everywhere in this world and find peace within that lifestyle.

You’ve passed thirty. That’s actually a big number for a human being.
Ditch the mind of dying before thirty – you’ve already outlived that.
God gave you life. Appreciate it.

Missing someone doesn’t mean you should die too.
So, live.
Live a life that, when one day you meet those you love, you can tell them interesting stories instead of,
“I lived my life just waiting for you.”
That’s so fucking boring.

Move on.
Be present.
Don’t be anxious – you’re not that young anymore.

Let’s try this.
Let’s move on.

- to me.

Dump Diary

01-03-2022

21:48

Jade Place

Blank is not even a strange concept in my life. I want to start something somewhere but from where.

I have been drowning for too long that I forgot to actually breath properly. I miss the crazy bubbly nut job me many years back.

I should have listen upon moving out from my parents' house many years back. I might recover from my mental exhaustion if I did.

Mentally drained is the correct words to use. I know the person that should be blamed for one life is one self, but my parents do take part in it somehow. 

Started with being a chauffeur for my mom to/from her school because my dad kept nagging as he need to send and pick her up. Then the house work then everything.

Their fights and arguments are the things that I hate the most since I was a kid. They don't fight with proper communication path but my dad will dominantly use few hurtful and dominant words, my mom will get angry but kept her silent and end up pouring those all out on me. I hate those. I hate those. I miss my aunt too much.

I am almost 33 but still unable to express and get my own resolution in life. God help. The longer I stay with parents in their house ,the heavier the burden I need to carry. My mental state is getting worse.

It is not that I am not being grateful that my parents are still around and I am living with them, but I need my own life too instead living for them. 

Collin was right all along. I should have let them handle their own shit. If they want to fight then let them fight! Messy house, let them be in their own messy house. 

Why should I be in charge when they themselves never bother about their own parents.

This is me releasing my stress here, with my own thought that I know will hurt many if it got spilled. Thus I hope whatever I wrote end here. Anyone that read this, please do understand, I don't have anyone to talk to about my concern my feelings after my aunt and Collin passed away. So just read it silently. Thank you.

Now, I want to enter the digital world. And I need to find my own way and add hustle on it. Wish me luck. And I will always wish you guys the same abundant of luck too.

03-03-2022

21:38

Jade Place

Not sure for how many years I have been in this kind of feelings, situation and clouds. I feel hazy about life but I also to die just because I want to is not a choice. Gosh.

I have no path in life.  I wonder why?

I have no emotion in pursuing what ever there is in life. Yet I am still breathing.

I feel like I have been spending my life in a terrible manners but I still do nothing about it. 

Suicidal phase, I have been through it but it just a faint idea. The thought is still there though.

Help.

(I am re-evaluating what I wrote. Do know that suicide is not a solution. It might trigger more ripples in other people's life. And as people with faith, you do know the ending for suicide is not all happy yeeehuu, right? But we are just a mere human being with such fragile emotions. The thoughts are inevitable, but we could always try to get back to the path.)

Dump Diary

This is where I dumped my words that I have wrote previously. Until it catch up with my current life.

15-10-2021

3.59 pm

DNA Workspace

Listening to god knows what songs are these, something called work - coffee playlist in Youtube.

My mind is completely blank right now.

I have been telling my self to restart my life for the past 10 years but I just let it came by just like that.

Wanted to do everything but never get to settle on how to start.

I have lost friends in the way. The lost of no connection ya, not the 'hey! I'm not your friend anymore!'. Kids, life is not easy as you grow up.

The only new thing in my life currently is I now have a pet. Yes, me! The person who always have a connection problem is having a pet.

The cat who used to be in the back alley of my house, lost for 2 months, came back and end up staying with us. With me to be precise as he already invaded my room completely.

I am trying to learn to accept life as it is. To love without fear of losing.

Not easy I must say. Once in a while I still hug the cat asking, no, pleading that may he lives long or at least longer than me.

Fear of abandonment is real. All the lost I had for the past 12 years still yet to let me move forward.

It is never to late until you yourself say it is.

At least I have another creature to talk to at home nowadays.

Talking about my uncertainties in life, I have no single ideas on how to live. Let alone building own career on this current situation. I have no objective in life and I always feel lost in every way I could. God help me. Assign me a path for me to go through as I have no way in to go .

Alright. To whoever that might reading this rant right now, I hope you are well and may your life received enough sunshine in every sort of way.

The cat took the bed. Lol

09-11-2021

15:35

DNA workspace

Well, almost a month has pass by. But nothing really change.

It is me right?

Outside is raining right now. Cold day, as cold as my soul.

People are still looking for me when they got nobody to turn to.

I love my friends but I think everyone keep using me ever since forever.

16-11-2021

22:26

Outside of my house

Blank.

01-03-2022

21:48

Jade Place

Blank is not even a strange concept in my life. I want to start something somewhere but from where.

I have been drowning for too long that I forgot to actually breath properly. I miss the crazy bubbly nut job me many years back.

I should have listen upon moving out from my parents' house many years back. I might recover from my mental exhaustion if I did.

Mentally drained is the correct words to use. I know the person that should be blamed for one life is one self, but my parents do take part in it somehow. 

Started with being a chaffeur for my mom to/from her school because my dad kept nagging as he need to send and pick her up. Then the house work then everything.

Their fights and arguments are the things that I hate the most since I was a kid. They don't fight with proper communication path but my dad will dominantly use few hurtful and dominant words, my mom will get angry but kept her silent and end up pouring those all out on me. I hate those. I hate those. I miss my aunt too much.

I am 30 but still unable to express and get my own resolution in life. God help. The longer I stay with parents in their house ,the heavier the burden I need to carry. My mental state is getting worse.

It is not that I am not being grateful that my parents are still around and I am living with them, but I need my own life too instead living for them. 

Collin was right all along. I should have let them handle their own shit. If they want to fight then let them fight! Messy house, let them be in their own messy house. 

Why should I be in charge when they themselves never bother about their own parents.

This is me releasing my stress here, with my own thought that I know will hurt many if it got spilled. Thus I hope whatever I wrote end here. Anyone that read this, please do understand, I don't have anyone to take about my concern my feelings after my aunt and Collin passed away. So just read it silently. Thank you.

Now, I want to enter the digital world. And I need to find my own way and add hustle on it. Wish me luck. And I will always wish you guys the same abundant of luck too.