Dump Diary

01-03-2022

21:48

Jade Place

Blank is not even a strange concept in my life. I want to start something somewhere but from where.

I have been drowning for too long that I forgot to actually breath properly. I miss the crazy bubbly nut job me many years back.

I should have listen upon moving out from my parents' house many years back. I might recover from my mental exhaustion if I did.

Mentally drained is the correct words to use. I know the person that should be blamed for one life is one self, but my parents do take part in it somehow. 

Started with being a chauffeur for my mom to/from her school because my dad kept nagging as he need to send and pick her up. Then the house work then everything.

Their fights and arguments are the things that I hate the most since I was a kid. They don't fight with proper communication path but my dad will dominantly use few hurtful and dominant words, my mom will get angry but kept her silent and end up pouring those all out on me. I hate those. I hate those. I miss my aunt too much.

I am almost 33 but still unable to express and get my own resolution in life. God help. The longer I stay with parents in their house ,the heavier the burden I need to carry. My mental state is getting worse.

It is not that I am not being grateful that my parents are still around and I am living with them, but I need my own life too instead living for them. 

Collin was right all along. I should have let them handle their own shit. If they want to fight then let them fight! Messy house, let them be in their own messy house. 

Why should I be in charge when they themselves never bother about their own parents.

This is me releasing my stress here, with my own thought that I know will hurt many if it got spilled. Thus I hope whatever I wrote end here. Anyone that read this, please do understand, I don't have anyone to talk to about my concern my feelings after my aunt and Collin passed away. So just read it silently. Thank you.

Now, I want to enter the digital world. And I need to find my own way and add hustle on it. Wish me luck. And I will always wish you guys the same abundant of luck too.

03-03-2022

21:38

Jade Place

Not sure for how many years I have been in this kind of feelings, situation and clouds. I feel hazy about life but I also to die just because I want to is not a choice. Gosh.

I have no path in life.  I wonder why?

I have no emotion in pursuing what ever there is in life. Yet I am still breathing.

I feel like I have been spending my life in a terrible manners but I still do nothing about it. 

Suicidal phase, I have been through it but it just a faint idea. The thought is still there though.

Help.

(I am re-evaluating what I wrote. Do know that suicide is not a solution. It might trigger more ripples in other people's life. And as people with faith, you do know the ending for suicide is not all happy yeeehuu, right? But we are just a mere human being with such fragile emotions. The thoughts are inevitable, but we could always try to get back to the path.)