Another year yet feeling common

It has been a year since my last post. Lol. Talk about trying to commit. Let see.. I am still trying to find myself. Nothing much has changed actually. Still drowning and barely keeps my mind intact. Bruh.. 

2020 is too mainstream if I must say. COVID-19 has been the main theme of this year. My country had one of those lock down phase and still currently under movement control order but less strict compare to those during total lock down.

One thing I learned during the lock down was I am happy by myself, totally. Things goes like this. I was by myself during the total lock down, for one and a half month as my parents was stucked at another state. Those 46 days was my healthiest and happiest days I had within the past years of my life. I manage to do proper gardening, cleaning, cooking, doing my jobs from home and even managed to cut down my weight and have that happy glow as per my friend's words. My 'cloudy' episodes were less severe, or should I say almost none. I woke up early, managed to do my simple workout, eat home cooked meals, and having a stress-free life I must say. Total bliss.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. But as soon as they came back, I started to be depressed again. I mean, those moments of hard to get out from bed, rarely eat at home, binge eating outside, everything went straight back into my routines once I am with them. Gosh. I am in a deep shit right now right?

haih.. I need help.

Racau

Kelam malam membalut jiwanya
Tangis sendu meratapi sebuah kekosongan
Nafas yang tidak lolos
Tepian berduri
Hati kecil kepiluan
Hati kecil kerinduan
Seluas mahligai itu
Menjerut hati yang sedang lemas
Tangisan hiba namun tidak menitis
Secebis sudut hati masih berkata
Sirnamu masih mampu bersinar
Carilah ia
Carilah kekuatanmu
Di balik cinta Sang Pencipta

-NahuzArya,2019-

Realization

The heart pounded hard like the bad rock song where the “Bam Bam Bam” sound is the only one that you can hear for 4 minutes long.  I should not drink that cup of vanilla latte even though the smell itself is enough to make me fall in love again with myself.  Not  a narcissist but hey, I am trying to tell myself many times that self love is essential.  

Looking through the coffee shop’s  window, across the street is the red signed bank with yellow writing. Bright writing, brighter than my life. And a weird couple dancing weird enough mocking the other couple which having the serious look in their face. An irony mash up I must say. The four of them getting into the car and I can only imagine it must be like hot fried banana fritters with cold vanilla ice cream combination inside the car, by looking at their behaviour earlier.

From the coffee shop's view

“ God, what am I trying to do with my life?”, I kept asking that to my self.

An almost 30 year old woman with no vision in life, no fixed job, no love life, and not having a good social interaction lately.  Hating herself especially when those days are approaching. Yeah say it what ever you want, but, hormonal effect are real people. Not degrading or anything but, my hormones really burnt me out sometimes.

Too many things that I want to learn throughout my life but too much distraction I guess. Games, Netflix, social media. And all the other yada yada yada things.

Can I curse here?

“ F*** !! I REALLY F***ED UP MY LIFE!! I NEED A HARD SLAP! PRONTO!”

~ to be continued ~

Emptiness

The emptiness strikes back.
But this time I guess I'm ready.

Who else can fight it if it's not me myself.
I just realize how inconvenience it is for relying our strength upon someone else.
God made us in pair.
That is correct.
But, before in pair, there's the individual concept.
If we do not build our self as an individual, how can we succeed in the concept of togetherness.
One need to rely in one self before relying on others.
A simple concept which is so hard to embrace.

Learn the concept to love your self first . To embrace your own soul.
To pick up your self when no ones are there to pick it up for you.

I am writing this here not just for others.
But the for me to remember it.

Dear me.

You are strong.

Let's fight.

Entering 30's

2019 is approaching
It means I'm gonna enter the 3+ era.
New era, new digits in life.
Browsing through the social media, reading how the kids nowadays from 13 to 14 saying how old they feel like, gave me goosebumps.
Kids, when I was 13 I don't even bother at my age. Even the me right now usually forget about my own age, unless those few heartless people keeps reminding me. LOL
Age is just a number, I agree. But when it comes to relationship, it's something else.
It is kind of weird when people who are way younger than you actually approach you with kind of solid confidence
Or should I just go for it?
Nah.. I am too immature for my age. Going for people who are equivalently immature like me, will wreck a havoc in both of our life.
well.. let's life be life..

Irony

Living in a dark world of my own is not an easy thing for the past few years.
I choose to work by my own as a translator and a transcriber. Denying the world's need of communication and networking to proceed with development in life.
It is not easy as I suffered from the feelings of loss and down and not as par as any one around my age.
Literally i tied my self upon other people's life as the-person- who-runs-errand.
Until one day I decided to break it lil by lil, the cocoon I build over the years, the need to communicate, and I applied few jobs for the reason of that. Guess what, a company hired me, as a Customer Service Executive.

How irony I felt that time, from a person who can't keep a long conversation with other over many years, to a person who's work need to talk, and mainly talks.

Gosh my anxiety is over the top every single time I need to say " Hello" to a complete stranger.
Even up till now, after few months, I still feel the anxiety but the intensity is less compare tothe first time.
I guess depression and anxiety can be controlled by the person him/herself.
Relapsed do occur once in a while, for example yesterday. But, I guess by counting the frequency, make me feel grateful as it has been greatly decreasing.

Dear me, I am so sorry for letting myself go for the past few years.
I really do. I shouldn't let myself occupied with emptiness for so long.
Dear God, I am thankful and grateful to You as You always been there for me upon my ups and downs, upon my darkness and shines even when others was never there.

To other's who might have been reading this and having the same problem, my prayers are to you. May we all find our ways to be a better person in life and the afterlife.
Even if you do not belief the afterlife, may the peace of life embrace you.

Till again.

Much Love.

Kiasu manners on the road

Today, while searching and looking for a spot to park, driving through the one-way road like twice or more, and after awhile saw a spot probably the car that was parked there had just emptied the spot. So as it was a one way road, I leisurely drove my car and getting reading to park when by all of the sudden there's this car coming from the opposite side of the road "rushingly" and with hey-I-do-whatever-I-want face that Chinese uncle just park his car there when obviously I was there first and in the right lane. 

I was in a rush, and really hate to argue over something so I just drove away.. Plus, that uncle is well known to be "not friendly".

One thing being regret was, I literally cursed at that moment. Should have hold my tongue better. Cursing is a bad deed that I have been trying so hard to avoid.

Being a Malaysian, one thing came to me, the kiasu spirit when it comes to everything does not only goes to one particular race, may it be Malay, Chinese, Indian, Singaporean (oh...I am sooo sorry, but I did encounter a lot with this one) even the foreigners who'd live in this country can also be kiasu. Especially in driving..

Another thing I always encounter every morning, these uncle-aunties driving back from mosque after subuh prayers, driving as leisurely as possible when there's a longgggg queue of cars behind. Which part is kiasu? They won't bother to give way to others to overtake as they'll be driving as near to the middle lane of the road like "it's their road, so they'll drive as they please".. They'll give you the 'stare' if you overtake them.. God..

That's how I started my morning everyday - with temper. 

People will say, one day when you are getting older then you'll be as same as that.

I pray, wish and tell my self everyday that if I live long enough, please let me be a good human being and also a good driver. Atleast don't make me a grumpy old granny with I-live-longer-than-you-so-I-am-always-right attitude.

Gosh..Please...

Picture credit to Google Image