Emptiness

The emptiness strikes back.
But this time I guess I'm ready.

Who else can fight it if it's not me myself.
I just realize how inconvenience it is for relying our strength upon someone else.
God made us in pair.
That is correct.
But, before in pair, there's the individual concept.
If we do not build our self as an individual, how can we succeed in the concept of togetherness.
One need to rely in one self before relying on others.
A simple concept which is so hard to embrace.

Learn the concept to love your self first . To embrace your own soul.
To pick up your self when no ones are there to pick it up for you.

I am writing this here not just for others.
But the for me to remember it.

Dear me.

You are strong.

Let's fight.

Entering 30's

2019 is approaching
It means I'm gonna enter the 3+ era.
New era, new digits in life.
Browsing through the social media, reading how the kids nowadays from 13 to 14 saying how old they feel like, gave me goosebumps.
Kids, when I was 13 I don't even bother at my age. Even the me right now usually forget about my own age, unless those few heartless people keeps reminding me. LOL
Age is just a number, I agree. But when it comes to relationship, it's something else.
It is kind of weird when people who are way younger than you actually approach you with kind of solid confidence
Or should I just go for it?
Nah.. I am too immature for my age. Going for people who are equivalently immature like me, will wreck a havoc in both of our life.
well.. let's life be life..

Irony

Living in a dark world of my own is not an easy thing for the past few years.
I choose to work by my own as a translator and a transcriber. Denying the world's need of communication and networking to proceed with development in life.
It is not easy as I suffered from the feelings of loss and down and not as par as any one around my age.
Literally i tied my self upon other people's life as the-person- who-runs-errand.
Until one day I decided to break it lil by lil, the cocoon I build over the years, the need to communicate, and I applied few jobs for the reason of that. Guess what, a company hired me, as a Customer Service Executive.

How irony I felt that time, from a person who can't keep a long conversation with other over many years, to a person who's work need to talk, and mainly talks.

Gosh my anxiety is over the top every single time I need to say " Hello" to a complete stranger.
Even up till now, after few months, I still feel the anxiety but the intensity is less compare tothe first time.
I guess depression and anxiety can be controlled by the person him/herself.
Relapsed do occur once in a while, for example yesterday. But, I guess by counting the frequency, make me feel grateful as it has been greatly decreasing.

Dear me, I am so sorry for letting myself go for the past few years.
I really do. I shouldn't let myself occupied with emptiness for so long.
Dear God, I am thankful and grateful to You as You always been there for me upon my ups and downs, upon my darkness and shines even when others was never there.

To other's who might have been reading this and having the same problem, my prayers are to you. May we all find our ways to be a better person in life and the afterlife.
Even if you do not belief the afterlife, may the peace of life embrace you.

Till again.

Much Love.

Kiasu manners on the road

Today, while searching and looking for a spot to park, driving through the one-way road like twice or more, and after awhile saw a spot probably the car that was parked there had just emptied the spot. So as it was a one way road, I leisurely drove my car and getting reading to park when by all of the sudden there's this car coming from the opposite side of the road "rushingly" and with hey-I-do-whatever-I-want face that Chinese uncle just park his car there when obviously I was there first and in the right lane. 

I was in a rush, and really hate to argue over something so I just drove away.. Plus, that uncle is well known to be "not friendly".

One thing being regret was, I literally cursed at that moment. Should have hold my tongue better. Cursing is a bad deed that I have been trying so hard to avoid.

Being a Malaysian, one thing came to me, the kiasu spirit when it comes to everything does not only goes to one particular race, may it be Malay, Chinese, Indian, Singaporean (oh...I am sooo sorry, but I did encounter a lot with this one) even the foreigners who'd live in this country can also be kiasu. Especially in driving..

Another thing I always encounter every morning, these uncle-aunties driving back from mosque after subuh prayers, driving as leisurely as possible when there's a longgggg queue of cars behind. Which part is kiasu? They won't bother to give way to others to overtake as they'll be driving as near to the middle lane of the road like "it's their road, so they'll drive as they please".. They'll give you the 'stare' if you overtake them.. God..

That's how I started my morning everyday - with temper. 

People will say, one day when you are getting older then you'll be as same as that.

I pray, wish and tell my self everyday that if I live long enough, please let me be a good human being and also a good driver. Atleast don't make me a grumpy old granny with I-live-longer-than-you-so-I-am-always-right attitude.

Gosh..Please...

Picture credit to Google Image

Already Tuesday

Don't you feel like each day passes quickly nowadays?
For people whose been having bad thoughts and being arm to arm with depression, the fact those dark days make you loose everything. In term of  friends and family, jobs and even your life.
As those things require times and feelings but being depress, you don't even have the time and energy for even yourself, thus making it an unaffordable for you to spend it on them.
Looking forward for hope to break through the darkness.
Looking forward for myself to beat those monsters within me.

I hope those who has been through these, or still are, let's fight together. ^^

It's been awhile..

Now.
I guess it's been more than a year since my last post.
Not that I've been a frequent writer back then but a year seems impropriate even though in real life a year pass thru in a blink of both eyes..

Life has been not so good either but I am still grateful to be alive.

To anyone that somehow is reading this, I hope you are doing well and you fighting spirit is still on fire.


There's a famous quote,

"There's a rainbow at the end of every rain"

(wait, is it really famous??lol)

Okay, back to the quote. Don't they realize not every rain ended with a colourful rainbow at the end? There's flood, and more flood, lanslide, mudslide, what else?

I'm being pessimistic and it actually feels great for the fact I can joke bout it.

Well, It's been many years but I still haven't found my rainbow of life.

Living in depression when you were a happily cheerful person makes your brain deteriorate even faster as you keep blaming yourself for losing your own F-word self.

Dear me, let's write more this year. Let's write everyday!!

I'm ending this with a picture of La Muerte from The Book of Life as the vogue-ness captured me..

(credit to Google)

Some pet talks

Like every other new year, new months and new days, there are times I need some good pet talks as I always myself drowning in living the life.. I found one .. 

I can't find people to give me one so , I always try to find it via reading.

Pity me huh?

I've been reading www.lifehack.org as to find some cool points of living so I stumbled upon these awesome words.

The hardest truth about life.

And The Hardest Truth Is This:

The hardest truth that we need to know is this: everybody, and yes EVERYBODY sucks at the beginning. And here’s what most people do: they try a little bit, stumble and just give up way too soon. Only those who persist and persevere at all costs are the successful ones.

As this Quora user points out:

Your first 100 blog posts will suck.

Your first 5 books will suck.

Your first 30 talks in public will suck.

Your first 50 paintings will suck.

Your first 100 songs will suck.

Your first 40 YouTube videos will suck.

Yes, I made all of those numbers up.

And it doesn’t matter.

What matters is to understand that you’ll suck at everything in the beginning.

Just like I suck at everything in the beginning.

Just like everybody else sucks at everything in the beginning.

It all takes time. And persistence. And patience.

Most people rush through life. So they don’t have enough time.

Most people believe in overnight success. So they just stop when it doesn’t happen over night.

Most people get everything they want right away. So if they don’t, they just want something else.

So most people just give up.

And everything sucks..

Lol.. My kind of pet talks. thanks Lifehacks.