Dump Diary

This is where I dumped my words that I have wrote previously. Until it catch up with my current life.

15-10-2021

3.59 pm

DNA Workspace

Listening to god knows what songs are these, something called work - coffee playlist in Youtube.

My mind is completely blank right now.

I have been telling my self to restart my life for the past 10 years but I just let it came by just like that.

Wanted to do everything but never get to settle on how to start.

I have lost friends in the way. The lost of no connection ya, not the 'hey! I'm not your friend anymore!'. Kids, life is not easy as you grow up.

The only new thing in my life currently is I now have a pet. Yes, me! The person who always have a connection problem is having a pet.

The cat who used to be in the back alley of my house, lost for 2 months, came back and end up staying with us. With me to be precise as he already invaded my room completely.

I am trying to learn to accept life as it is. To love without fear of losing.

Not easy I must say. Once in a while I still hug the cat asking, no, pleading that may he lives long or at least longer than me.

Fear of abandonment is real. All the lost I had for the past 12 years still yet to let me move forward.

It is never to late until you yourself say it is.

At least I have another creature to talk to at home nowadays.

Talking about my uncertainties in life, I have no single ideas on how to live. Let alone building own career on this current situation. I have no objective in life and I always feel lost in every way I could. God help me. Assign me a path for me to go through as I have no way in to go .

Alright. To whoever that might reading this rant right now, I hope you are well and may your life received enough sunshine in every sort of way.

The cat took the bed. Lol

09-11-2021

15:35

DNA workspace

Well, almost a month has pass by. But nothing really change.

It is me right?

Outside is raining right now. Cold day, as cold as my soul.

People are still looking for me when they got nobody to turn to.

I love my friends but I think everyone keep using me ever since forever.

16-11-2021

22:26

Outside of my house

Blank.

01-03-2022

21:48

Jade Place

Blank is not even a strange concept in my life. I want to start something somewhere but from where.

I have been drowning for too long that I forgot to actually breath properly. I miss the crazy bubbly nut job me many years back.

I should have listen upon moving out from my parents' house many years back. I might recover from my mental exhaustion if I did.

Mentally drained is the correct words to use. I know the person that should be blamed for one life is one self, but my parents do take part in it somehow. 

Started with being a chaffeur for my mom to/from her school because my dad kept nagging as he need to send and pick her up. Then the house work then everything.

Their fights and arguments are the things that I hate the most since I was a kid. They don't fight with proper communication path but my dad will dominantly use few hurtful and dominant words, my mom will get angry but kept her silent and end up pouring those all out on me. I hate those. I hate those. I miss my aunt too much.

I am 30 but still unable to express and get my own resolution in life. God help. The longer I stay with parents in their house ,the heavier the burden I need to carry. My mental state is getting worse.

It is not that I am not being grateful that my parents are still around and I am living with them, but I need my own life too instead living for them. 

Collin was right all along. I should have let them handle their own shit. If they want to fight then let them fight! Messy house, let them be in their own messy house. 

Why should I be in charge when they themselves never bother about their own parents.

This is me releasing my stress here, with my own thought that I know will hurt many if it got spilled. Thus I hope whatever I wrote end here. Anyone that read this, please do understand, I don't have anyone to take about my concern my feelings after my aunt and Collin passed away. So just read it silently. Thank you.

Now, I want to enter the digital world. And I need to find my own way and add hustle on it. Wish me luck. And I will always wish you guys the same abundant of luck too.

                                                 

Malaysia SOP Relaxation May 2022

Earlier our Health Minister has announced the new rules of Covid-19 SOP and the regulations starting on May 1. Most of the people are so eager after hearing the news as one, Raya is approaching. Two, no more mafan SOPs. 

(Pic credit to: https://www.instagram.com/mgagmy/)

The topic that we have been discussing today is mainly about if you are going to stick on using mask and still considering the sop that you have been adhered to for the past 2+ years or just automatically back to living a life as if Covid-19 never exist. Tell you the truth, I have been adapted in wearing mask anywhere I go. It makes me as a person that loves to travel by myself feel safe without people looking. So yeah, maybe I will stick to mask but not fully, means indoor and crowded place. I think we should make it a habit of wearing mask whenever we feel sick,having cough,flu etc. It is not a bad thing to do. The Koreans I've seen in real life, news and others always use their masks on daily life even before Covid era, so yeah, why not. It is to protect everyone on the first place.

For those who have been effected and affected by Covid, the struggle is real. I just wish everyone to be safe especially during Hari Raya people will never bother about sop relax or not. And for everyone to respect others who are still prefer on doing social distancing and stuff. And for those who are going to start their 'nightlife', take care also.

Well you can read about the details as below, taken from the Ministry of Health Twitter Page @KKMPutrajaya:

Test for positive Covid case

Mask rules: Mandatory indoors, encouraged crowded place and high risk prople

No need scan but premise still need to check hor... Yeah loophole..

Travellers, travelling, travels!!!

Travellers apa lagi! Air asia can Go check!

Unpopular opinion, as an introvert, social distancing is actually a bliss. Wfh is also a bliss considering the dreadful traffic of Selangor and Kuala Lumpur. This last two weeks when most of working people are back to full capacity of working from office, the traffic is considered a hellish nightmare, even for someone that manage to go to work not during peak hours like me. Like all hours are peak right now. Oh hell no.

Bitcoins

End of 2021.

Is it too late to get involved with this?

Bitcoin 

Bitcoin

Bitcoin

Shriek

As the wind blows

So does my soul

Fly away without directions

Cutting through all ties

On midsummer heat

The cold heart shriek

Gasping for warmth

Of the calmness in your arms.

As the rain pours

So does my tears

The pain stabbing and piercing in a constant tempo

Leaving the suffocation chocking my lungs

Without voice, without tears.

-Azuhanis,2020-

Bebas

 

Permulaan sesuatu pengakhiran atau pengakhiran sesuatu permulaan? Ingin aku akhiri keributan akal fikiranku selama ini yang telah aku benarkan menghantui hidupku selama satu dekad panjangnya. Betapa banyaknya masa yang telah aku bazirkan. Betapa banyaknya jiwa-jiwa yang telah aku abaikan kerana aku leka dalam lemas jiwa dan fikiranku sendiri. Raksasa kelam itu telah kubiarkan bermaharajalela dalam kehidupanku. Membiarkan diri sendiri diambang kesedihan berpanjangan, menyalahkan segala yang berlaku, menyalahkan nasib, menyalahkan takdir menyalahkan dunia dan menyalahkan diriku sendiri. Aku biarkan diriku terpempan dengan kegemilangan masa dahulu, kehilangan jiwa yang aku sanjungi.

Sepanjang aku membiarkan diriku kelemasan sendiri, satu persatu manusia membiarkan aku pergi. Kerana dahulu akulah yang memegang setiap yang berada disisiku. Aku yang sentiasa berada disisi mereka. Namun mengapa di kala aku kelemasan, tiada tangan yang dihulur? Mengapa setiap manusia hanya melihat kepayahan sendiri tanpa mempedulikan perasaan insan yang sentiasa memaksikan mereka di kala kerenyahan? Mungkin kerana itu aku terus hanyut, kerana harapanku kepada manusia. Tuhan, maafkan aku. Aku alpa. Aku leka.

Kini aku perlu bangkit dari koma. Aku perlu bertatih semula tanpa lelah. Seperti mana cekalnya aku sewaktu kecil belajar berjalan kerna ingin menggapai sesuatu yang aku tahu tidak mampu aku gapai dengan jari jemari kecil itu, begitulah perlunya aku mencari kecekalan itu. Indahnya menjadi anak kecil yang suci polos tanpa noda. Apa yang dihadapannya itulah hidupnya. Apabila sedih menangis, apabila gembira ketawa. Tiada keperluan menyembunyikan perasaan. Aku harus belajar untuk hidup semula. Aku mampu. Ya! Aku Mampu!

Uncle Roger Review GORDON RAMSAY Fried Rice Haiyaa

Nasi Goreng or Fried Rice is sort of staple throughout few countries in Asia. Nasi goreng, NasGor, Bokkeum-bap, Omurice, Khao Kluk Kapi. Chahan and etc might be the variations of fried rice. 

Foods are fun , same goes to fried rice I must say. For example, here in Malaysia, you can find like a long list of different types of fried rice if you go to a restaurant any stalls. Depends on where you go, you can get any types of fried rice with variable price. I mean, if you are buying it from hotel's restaurant, fine-dining or the 'hype' kind of restaurant, you can have a RM40 worth of fried rice (around $10), and if you go to any stalls or even the usual restaurant that you can see the locals go they're just around RM4-6 (around $1-1.5). Of course you can see the difference in presentation and ingredients, but depends on your preferences. 

It is 10pm and now I am hungry. gosh.

Why Nasi Goreng all of the sudden? 

I just watched Uncle Roger review Gordon Ramsay's Fried Rice. Every thing there just hit the spot on my life. From smack like your parents smacked you, wok hei, haiya, fuyyoh and everything else. Especially when he said Asian people has two kitchen, indoor kitchen and outside kitchen. LOL! That's true about wet kitchen and dry kitchen. Up till now I'm confused why. Dry kitchen is the nice sparkling place for others to see, while wet kitchen is the place of war. ROFL.

Well watch em below: 

Another year yet feeling common

It has been a year since my last post. Lol. Talk about trying to commit. Let see.. I am still trying to find myself. Nothing much has changed actually. Still drowning and barely keeps my mind intact. Bruh.. 

2020 is too mainstream if I must say. COVID-19 has been the main theme of this year. My country had one of those lock down phase and still currently under movement control order but less strict compare to those during total lock down.

One thing I learned during the lock down was I am happy by myself, totally. Things goes like this. I was by myself during the total lock down, for one and a half month as my parents was stucked at another state. Those 46 days was my healthiest and happiest days I had within the past years of my life. I manage to do proper gardening, cleaning, cooking, doing my jobs from home and even managed to cut down my weight and have that happy glow as per my friend's words. My 'cloudy' episodes were less severe, or should I say almost none. I woke up early, managed to do my simple workout, eat home cooked meals, and having a stress-free life I must say. Total bliss.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. But as soon as they came back, I started to be depressed again. I mean, those moments of hard to get out from bed, rarely eat at home, binge eating outside, everything went straight back into my routines once I am with them. Gosh. I am in a deep shit right now right?

haih.. I need help.